How do we measure success?

I didn't cut myself that night. Maybe that's something to be proud of. Unfortunately I did swallow half a packed of laxatives. Swings & roundabouts.

Laxatives were my answer to the question no-one ever asked.
"Why do you self harm so other people can see it?".

No-one ever asked that. Occasionally someone would ask about the cuts or the scars. Mostly indirect questions; "are you okay?", or a raised eyebrow that betrayed their true thoughts; "attention seeker". Loved ones would plead for me to stop. So I learnt how. They didn't plead for me to get help. They just wanted to stop seeing my pain on the outside.

So I learnt to hide it. I took laxatives.

Of course, that's one easy explanation for it. It's not that straihtforward, it never is. I am overweight. I recall binge-eating as a child, shamefully hiding the evidence. I am gluttonous, greedy. I love food, sweeties, rich things. I have truly terrible self esteem, like so many young women.

Bulimia; what a great excuse to enjoy those things without consequence. What a great way to try and combat my fear about gaining weight, being fat.

Of course, what I've done is give myself a horribly complicated eating disorder to run parallel to my self-injurious behaviour and a really, really warped relationship with food. (glorious food!). I cannot express how much I regret that.

Tonight I went shopping and I chose to buy things, because I was greedy and I knew I could throw them up. Even as I looked at what to purchase, I knew I was condoning my greed and feeding the demons. It's a pretty horrific place to be in. Whilst I know greed isn't the only driving force (because originally it came from a desire to self harm secretly), I can't help feeling ashamed, pathetic, greedy, worthless etc because I can't control my desires and urges.

Desires and urges. That opens up a whole other can of worms. Food isn't my only desire, my only urge. Well, it mostly is now. But sex. Sex used to rival it once. A craving to be desired.

So really. What is success?
Is it that I haven't cut myself for over 2 years? Or is it that I didn't cut myself last week?
Or am I in fact a failure because I abused laxatives? And will do again.
Or am I succeeding because I love my partner and the cravings to be desired and wanted are entirely satisifed by him? Unlike so many other partners, I've remained faithful. Is that success?
There's so much yet to overcome.