Stop...I want to stop.

I can't stop eating. I don't want to.

I don't want to what? Well, I don't want to eat compulsively like this. But I also don't want to stop the comfort that comes from it.

It's a bit like skin picking, a way to zone out, a lack of engagement in my surroundings. Just a simple action of moving hand to mouth & back again. Eat eat eat eat.

I lost nearly 2st a couple of years ago. Most of it is back on. Piled on slowly at first, but the last 1/2 stone was a rapid increase this year.

I'm so unhappy with my weight, yet I can't stop the eating. I can't help myself. I don't mean to buy the bad things, but I end up picking them up thinking I can control it, because in the past I've been able to. But not now. Entire big bars of chocolate are devoured in one sitting. No real enjoyment in them. The night before last I had eaten so much bad food & drunk so much wine I had those unpleasant sick-burps, minor regurgitation, yet still I kept putting things in my mouth.

I play a sport I love. I ADORE it. It's taken over my life over the last 4 years and consumes me; my partner shares in this sport (something I'm so happy about), my friends are all from the community, my holidays are planned around my games or so I can go and watch games abroad, huge amounts of money are spent on the equipment I need (and want!) yet the one thing that will actually make me BETTER at the game, give me even more enjoyment is my weight & fitness being the best it can be.

But I can't stop eating, can't get healthier and thinner and stronger. I can't find the motivation to work out at home & develop my strengths.

Frequently I excuse my lack of motivation; that I'm in a transient place in my life; no stable home, no job, not living with my parter. Not much is on my terms at the moment and that certainly makes it difficult to find the mindset to be positive. But it's a weak excuse.

But then again I ask myself; is it? I'm mentally unwell? I can't help it? Or can I? Should I not just pull myself together and sort it out? But how can I, I'm mentally unwell? Saying that just feeds the fire of the scrounger, the lazy, invisibly ill person. What a vicious cycle.

I'm taking Venlafaxine for my depression and anxiety. Generally I find it helps, I'm less.....random. I'm still low and I'm terribly detached from life and its experiences, but I don't feel like I'm trapped & drowning like I have done before. Just a lot of hopelessness and frustration. But adding to that frustration is the lack of side effects I experience; Venlafaxine is meant to restrict your appetite. So why am I still eating? Or is it that my appetite is gone, but the compulsion to eat is so strong that I'm ignoring it?

Help. Stop....I want to stop.