A note: For any posts that are particularly emotional (and potentially triggering) I'm self-moderating by not posting them as soon as I've written them. I wrote this on 11/04/13.
*** Caution: Trigger Warning ***
I purchased a packet of razor blades this evening.
It's been so long since I cut myself that I can't even remember how long I've been in "recover". I think it's over 2 years. Today was so terrible (at work) that I risk breaking my recovery. That I actively took steps towards lapsing.
I work with addicts; I'm pretty well versed on the "cycle of change" - the simple theory behind dealing with addiction (in fact it works with any behaviour we look to change). Drug addicts often start to test themselves during the "active change" and "maintenance" phases of the cycle, they fall into complacency, or the simply miss their vice. They do things like meet up with an old drug using acquaintance, telling themselves it'll be okay, they're strong enough to say no. Invariably of course, they are not. And they (re)lapse. But that's fine, it's a part of recovery and we learn from our mistakes.
So here I am, sat knowing there is a packet of fresh blades in my bag.
I have a decision to make.
I don't yet know what it'll be.
I don't know if I'll pass my own test.
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